That's the lesson I've learned so far as a mom, breathe. The kid is screaming, you're wearing spit up on your shoulder, you haven't eaten or taken a nap all day and you're joining in on the tears. You just breathe.
Last week I hit a breaking point - Dayne must have been going through his three week growth spurt because he refused naps and became extra cranky. Thursday was a non nap day, Thursday night was an hour here or there between feedings and screaming fits. Friday he was again fighting his naps. I was crying right along with him as I held him in my arms and rocked, sang, danced - anything to calm him down.
I watched the clock, counting the hours until Jason got home so I could get some help. I realized I was crashing and soon so I picked up the phone and called my mother in law. I was going to calmly ask her to come over to help me out but the second she answered and asked how I was I started bawling. She told me she'd be over in a few minutes and hung up.
With my parents in Florida it has been a blessing to have such fantastic in laws right around the corner to help out at the very hint of trouble. She arrived with food and then ushered me to bed, telling me to get a nap in and she'd take care of Dayne.
I woke up an hour later feeling refreshed and hungry! Not only had she gotten me down for a nap, Dayne was still resting peacefully as well! That caused me tears again, how could she do it and not me? Was it proof I wasn't a good enough mother? She told me sometimes we just need a break from each other and Dayne and I were feeding off each others stress.
This weekend Jason spent a lot of time with Dayne and I, bemoaning the fact that he only gets a few hours at night with us due to his job. He picked up a lot of feedings and diaper changes. He would shoo me away when I went to pick Dayne up and tell me to either let him cry for a bit or he would deal with it. The weekend was peaceful and towards lunch time on Saturday I felt my stress drop. As a team, we were pretty awesome.
I have learned that I am a working mom, as much as it kills me to say it, because I do feel guilty in the fact that I will be away from him much of his day during the week. But work keeps me sane and I know that for the first few weeks I'm at work, my in laws will have Dayne and that makes me feel fantastic. We've even agreed to have them watch him part time during the week and then day care part time.
I'm slowly adjusting to the role of mom, I'm ready to take on the challenges and learn how to overcome obstucles we may face. It really helps that I have such an amazing support group as well - my parents, my in laws, my fantastic husband and my amazing friends. Without them, I think I'd still be rocking in a corner, crying.
Motherhood - it's a crazy ride but one that I look forward to now.