Sunday, April 10, 2011

Happy One Month Dayne

Dear Dayne,

This is the first letter I have written to you using your name! After nine months of wondering who you were going to be - I've had a month to get to know you. You bring such joy and happiness into both your dad and my world. It seems like you've been around forever and at the same time, it seems like just yesterday you were born. Imagining life without you isn't possible anymore. You have wormed your way deep into my heart and will forever hold a very special spot in it.

Where to begin? I like to tell you that you're my heart on the outside of my body. I love to just stare at you and realize that your dad & I made you. Our love combined created a person I love more than I thought was possible to love another person. I think having you has made me fall even more in love with your dad, which I didn't think was possible either because I love him more than words can describe! But it happened!

You have already changed so much from the first time I saw you, you're getting bigger - you are getting super kissable cheeks - which I do kiss often! And you're getting longer! I have a strong feeling you're going to be taller than your dad! I've turned into one of "those" moms, I am positive you are above average and progressing quicker than other kids your age. You have a super strong neck already - you impress people when you hold it up and check things out around you.

You also are semi-rolling as well. If we lay you on your back and there is something off to the side you want you'll reach and roll until you can get it! You also love to kick your legs and fling your arms around when you're playing - I love watching you get excited about music from your toys. Speaking of music - you usually hush down when we turn some on and sing and dance with you. The look on your face as you're watching us kind of looks like you're saying "Seriously mom/dad? You can't sing but I'll humor you to get you to shut up!"

You are a nuzzler - I love holding you on my chest and feel you nudge your way up under my chin. You also have the most heart melting coos and sighs already. When you're content you make the sweetest sounds and I can't help but smile in happiness along with you. Another sound that also makes me smile, and probably shouldn't, is when you finish a bottle and want more. You let out the cutest whimper before going into a full out cry. I hate to see you sad but that sound is beyond adorable.

You are a sucker too! You love to suck on your pacifier or your fingers - whichever is most handy. When you're fussy I'll sometimes stick the pacifier in your mouth only to be greeted by a look of horror on your face when you realize no food is coming out of this nipple. Even when you're fussy and squirmy, you still melt my heart.

You look so much like your dad - I believe you might have my eyes and my eyelashes but look wise, you take after your dad's side. Which is fine with me - I think he's a pretty good looking guy! You adore mirrors - you will stare at one for a good half hour at a time and just coo at yourself and all the reflections you see. You're starting to smile, I think I might have had one or two voluntary smiles out of you but nothing for sure yet. I can't wait to see your face light up when you see me and see that smile.

Your dad has taken to the nickname "Buster" for you, he loves having a son and loves to trade breathes with you. That's when you exhale on him and he "gobbles up your breath". He is doing his best to expose you to "good" music vs the music I listen too. :) He'll make sure you're a Pink Floyd and Pearl Jam fan if it kills him.

Your cord stump fell off a week ago and you have had two "real" baths since then - you LOVE them. You stop crying and just go lax, loving the warm water. I hope you enjoy the lake water just as much, summer is right around the corner and we'll be spending lots of time on the lake!

I am back to work full time now and you're staying at your Grandma & Grandpa M's house during the day. They just love having you over there and I love that you're bonding with them but I miss you so so much during the day. I am so excited when Dad walks in the door with you. I love when you're in your "quiet alert" phase and just taking in everything around you. You like to do your best to copy facial expressions and you show off your neck muscles by moving your head around.

There is so much about you that I've learned already in the first month, there isn't enough space to write it all down! I just treasure each day I have with you in each phase of your life. Missing the days that have passed and yet looking forward to the days ahead. I love living with you in the "now" and light up with pride each time you do something new. You are my world and I love you. I'm so glad you picked us to be your parents!

Love forever,

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Back To Reality

Sunday night Dayne was laying on our bed making the cutest faces and I broke down sobbing. I know I said I was ready to go back to work but the thought of missing out on most of his day killed me. I knew I was going to miss our quiet time together, miss hearing him coo and watching him learn more and more each day.

Jason walked into our room to find me kneeling next to the bed with tears running down my cheeks as I told Dayne he couldn't forget me while at Grandma & Grandpa's house. It was a switch from the me a few weeks ago who was clawing at the door to go back to work because the idea of spending time alone all day drove me up the wall. He gave me a hug and told me I was a great mom.

Monday morning I woke up and changed Dayne's diaper, got him dressed and fed him as Jason packed his diaper bag for the day. I cried as I fed him and when Jason put him in his car seat I started bawling again. I didn't want to leave him, I must have kissed his little face a million times as Dayne gave me a look that said "Oh mom! Chill out!"

The tears stopped after Jason left and I finished getting myself ready for work. I only teared up for the rest of the day, no actual crying was done thank goodness. My co-workers and customers were all thrilled I was back and I had a lot to catch up on. I still glanced at the clock every five minutes hoping the day was flying by - which is was NOT!

My mother in law sent several emails with pictures to include me in his day - I loved them but they caused more tears to start building behind my eyes. I wanted to be there in person not a person on the outside. I didn't want to miss a moment and I was! Jason sent an email from Dayne to me - telling me he was enjoying his time at Grandma and Grandpa's but couldn't wait to see me after work. Again - some more teary eyed moments.

Jason arrives home an hour after I do so I used that time to straighten up the house, do a load of laundry, clean his bottles from the night feedings and grab a few minutes of TV time. The second they both came through that door I was hugging and kissing and sighing with happiness that my son was back in my arms where he belonged. I was only dissapointed that he was sleepy and spent several hours napping in my arms instead of being alert so I could connect with him. That made me cry, not being able to have a moment of eye to eye contact and see him attempt to smile and see his faces and hear him coo.

This morning there were no tears as they left but I have had a few teary eyed moments because of the same feelings. I'm missing out and I miss him like crazy. My weekends will take on a whole new meaning, I want to spend time with him and make up for the week while I was working. I'm happy to be back to work, I truly am. I feel good after I leave the office knowing I've acomlisphed a great days work. Yesterday was a great ego boost to be told again and again how missed I was and how happy they were that I was back.

But the true highlight of my day was to see how Dayne was able to actually move his hand to his mouth and start sucking on his fingers. Something he's been trying to do since day one. He's growing so much and really starting to figure things out. Seeing him suck on his fingers brought happy tears to my eyes - my baby boy is growing up. I can't get enough of him.