Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Back To Reality

Sunday night Dayne was laying on our bed making the cutest faces and I broke down sobbing. I know I said I was ready to go back to work but the thought of missing out on most of his day killed me. I knew I was going to miss our quiet time together, miss hearing him coo and watching him learn more and more each day.

Jason walked into our room to find me kneeling next to the bed with tears running down my cheeks as I told Dayne he couldn't forget me while at Grandma & Grandpa's house. It was a switch from the me a few weeks ago who was clawing at the door to go back to work because the idea of spending time alone all day drove me up the wall. He gave me a hug and told me I was a great mom.

Monday morning I woke up and changed Dayne's diaper, got him dressed and fed him as Jason packed his diaper bag for the day. I cried as I fed him and when Jason put him in his car seat I started bawling again. I didn't want to leave him, I must have kissed his little face a million times as Dayne gave me a look that said "Oh mom! Chill out!"

The tears stopped after Jason left and I finished getting myself ready for work. I only teared up for the rest of the day, no actual crying was done thank goodness. My co-workers and customers were all thrilled I was back and I had a lot to catch up on. I still glanced at the clock every five minutes hoping the day was flying by - which is was NOT!

My mother in law sent several emails with pictures to include me in his day - I loved them but they caused more tears to start building behind my eyes. I wanted to be there in person not a person on the outside. I didn't want to miss a moment and I was! Jason sent an email from Dayne to me - telling me he was enjoying his time at Grandma and Grandpa's but couldn't wait to see me after work. Again - some more teary eyed moments.

Jason arrives home an hour after I do so I used that time to straighten up the house, do a load of laundry, clean his bottles from the night feedings and grab a few minutes of TV time. The second they both came through that door I was hugging and kissing and sighing with happiness that my son was back in my arms where he belonged. I was only dissapointed that he was sleepy and spent several hours napping in my arms instead of being alert so I could connect with him. That made me cry, not being able to have a moment of eye to eye contact and see him attempt to smile and see his faces and hear him coo.

This morning there were no tears as they left but I have had a few teary eyed moments because of the same feelings. I'm missing out and I miss him like crazy. My weekends will take on a whole new meaning, I want to spend time with him and make up for the week while I was working. I'm happy to be back to work, I truly am. I feel good after I leave the office knowing I've acomlisphed a great days work. Yesterday was a great ego boost to be told again and again how missed I was and how happy they were that I was back.

But the true highlight of my day was to see how Dayne was able to actually move his hand to his mouth and start sucking on his fingers. Something he's been trying to do since day one. He's growing so much and really starting to figure things out. Seeing him suck on his fingers brought happy tears to my eyes - my baby boy is growing up. I can't get enough of him.

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